The Feminist in me

I just came back from a webinar in an intimate setting with a few of us children's pastors from across the city.

I've noticed that even though about 90% of the children's ministry leaders I've met are female (possibly more), 80% of the influencers in children's ministry (authors, speakers, go-to people) are male.  So I asked out loud - is that because the numbers are different in the states?  And the guy beside me says, no that's to encourage more males to step up.  You can't have female speakers if you want guys to get involved.

I can't remember what I said but it kind of marked me as the room's feminist.  And I didn't help matters any later when some sexist comment was made about why send a man to do a woman's job and I hooted.  

And I sat down later and thought - I've become what everyone else assumed I already was: a raging feminist.  And am I okay with that?

I'm only recently coming to terms with being a woman in leadership.  Most people would never guess that - I'm loud, comfortable on stage, have plenty to say and can't help but lead, even when I'm not trying, but I have long been uncomfortable in my own skin as a leader.  The church I grew up in does not believe in women in leadership.  We moved in my teens and our new church believed in woman in leadership, but had none actively serving.  They simply couldn't find willing women.  We settled into our current church, Riverwood, and after 5 years attendance, I was hired on as an assistant to the children's ministry director.  When she stepped down, it seemed obvious I would step up to take over her role.  But I couldn't.  I had already turned down literally dozens of roles in leadership and here I was faced with another.  I was ready to turn it down, too.  But instead I felt God asking me not to say no lightly: that it was time to dig in and stop asking everyone else what they thought of women in leadership, and start asking him.  So I pressed pause on my decision and took a few months to dig into theology books on women in leadership.  I read what the Bible had to say about women.  I read every story about every woman in the Bible.  I prayed a lot.  I asked a lot of questions.  

And you know where I came out?  Theologically convinced that God calls women into places of leadership in the business, political, home front and ministry worlds and has for ages.  If it's this hard for me to be a leader in 2015, just imagine what it would have felt like for Deborah.  Lydia.  Junia.  

And kind of ticked off that my issues with my own identity and the time I wasted in trying to suppress my gifts (instead of invest... ever heard of the parable of the talents?) because I COULD NOT BE WHAT I COULD NOT SEE.  The majority of the female role models I grew up with either believed it was a sin for them to lead, or believed it was fine for women in theory to lead, just not them personally, or were militant in their RIGHT to lead, and hated men for it.  

You can see why I just tried to suppress it.

So I'm thinking about this comment, how women shouldn't be on the platform because they scare the men away and I'm going crazy because of all the women - myself included - who are busy being SMALL lest we accidentally scare a man away and I'm SICK OF IT!  

So I became "that" feminist.

And truthfully, I don't want to be.  I want to honour men and lift up my brothers and celebrate those living out their God-given purpose (yes, even on stage in kid min!)  I don't want to hoot (even in fun) about women's superiority because I don't believe in it.  I believe we NEED men in children's ministry and we NEED women in preaching ministry and we've become less to segregate so fully.  I want to be that women role model I so desperately craved all these years: women living out their calling in fulness and authority and BEAUTIFUL (not defensive, evasive or stonewalling) because of it.  

So to those in that room last week... I'm sorry.  While I do want to stand tall as a woman in leadership, I don't want to do it at the expense of others.  And to my brother, who truly believes that men are scared away by women living out their calling: as much as I needed women living out their calling in Christ as my role models, so men today need role models showing them that power is not a finite resource to hold, but one that only continues to grow the more you give it away.  That seeing influential women does not diminish their influence, but highlights it.  That we are both image-bearers of God and having only half of that equation on display brings us back to Genesis where, for the only time in the creation account, God declared it "not good."  We need each other.  We are in this together.  Let us BOTH celebrate each other in this body of Christ!