Nightmares and children

When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. (Proverbs 3:24)

I was recently drawn into a conversation about dealing with nightmares with children.  As a newly minted children's pastor, I guess I have extra special advice on these kinds of topics.

Well, I don't.

But I was a long time sufferer of nightmares, and I have a daughter who went through a rough period too.  So I do have some experience.

I did a quick run through of my favourite blogs and authors to read their advice.  It was either absent, alarmingly demon-oriented or equally alarming, absent of God.  But what if not all nightmares are created equal?  I can't ignore evil, as I've had that child dealing with panic attacks for no apparent reason that wouldn't go away until I got on my knees and prayed for her freedom.  But I've also got the child who just has nightmares once in a while, needs a nightlight and her favourite teddy to go to sleep and can't handle watching scary TV shows (which at her age, is almost all of them!) before bed.

In peace I will lie down and sleep,    for you alone, Lord,    make me dwell in safety. (Psalm 4:8)

So here's my take on the issue:

1 - Children have very active imaginations, and the things they fear are not the same as ours.  Be wary of what they are filling their eyes and ears with throughout the day, but especially in the evenings.  Also be aware that what seems "safe" to you is scary to them.  I remember reading the Secret Garden before bed - a perfectly harmless, entertaining read - but I would go to bed terrified that my parents would die and leave me alone in a strange place as well, and had nightmares.  In my case, reading that book in the afternoon would probably have been fine.  It was the right-before-bed that created that problem.  Now, you can't avoid all things and it's important to talk issues like that out with your children if they are old enough.  (I know it sounds morbid, but knowing that my aunt and uncle would take care of me if my parents died made a big difference).  In these cases, simple things like a nightlight or a comfort toy are helpful. 

I will refuse to look at anything vile and vulgar (Psalm 101:3a)

2 - The opposite of filling your mind with scary things is not to just avoid TV or books, it's to fill your mind with beneficial things.  Memorizing Scripture (see the bottom for a post with a great list of Bible verses to help your child), doing devotions or praying before bed, listening to worship music as you sleep are all ways to fill your mind with good things.  While my attention is on Biblical truths (because they actually DO have power) sometimes even little questions like "what do you want to dream about tonight?" or "let's imagine what the most perfect vacation would be like" before bed can be helpful.

Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. (Philippians 4:8b)

3 - Attributing power to things without power is never a recipe for success.  If you want to giggle and play, pull out the monster spray and spray each other, but please don't ever use these to convince children that they are protected because of it (special blankies, dreamcatchers, stuffed animals all go into this category as well.  There's nothing wrong with play, and nothing wrong with comfort, but do not attribute them with power to save.)  Only God has that kind of power.

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.  He freed me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)

4 - While I'm not convinced that all nightmares are from the devil, it's naive to say that evil has no role in our lives.  But because I am powerless in the face of evil, can't see it or even always recognize it, I turn to the One who can, and the One who has victory over darkness anyway: Jesus.  It is so important that parents pray for their children, whether about their sleep or their character, their protection or their hearts.  Pray, pray, pray!  Pray that He will protect your child, that He will guard her thoughts and dreams, and that through His life given for her, she would walk in his freedom.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. (1 John 4:4)

5 - Empower your child.  She needs to know that it's not just YOUR prayers that chase away bad dreams, it's Jesus in her life, and she can pray, too.  She needs to remember when she wakes up scared that it's okay to crawl into bed with you, but singing Jesus loves me or saying her memory verse out loud is powerful too.  In the end, I want my daughter to have confidence that God is with her EVERYWHERE SHE GOES, so whether it's at home in bed, or if something happens at school or she's at a sleepover elsewhere, God is always with her, and it's HE who is mighty to save - not mom or dad.

But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. (Psalm 56:3)

Check out this post on Bible verses that may just make the difference: http://deeptruths.com/bible-topics/nightmares-bad-dreams.html

The Feminist in me

I just came back from a webinar in an intimate setting with a few of us children's pastors from across the city.

I've noticed that even though about 90% of the children's ministry leaders I've met are female (possibly more), 80% of the influencers in children's ministry (authors, speakers, go-to people) are male.  So I asked out loud - is that because the numbers are different in the states?  And the guy beside me says, no that's to encourage more males to step up.  You can't have female speakers if you want guys to get involved.

I can't remember what I said but it kind of marked me as the room's feminist.  And I didn't help matters any later when some sexist comment was made about why send a man to do a woman's job and I hooted.  

And I sat down later and thought - I've become what everyone else assumed I already was: a raging feminist.  And am I okay with that?

I'm only recently coming to terms with being a woman in leadership.  Most people would never guess that - I'm loud, comfortable on stage, have plenty to say and can't help but lead, even when I'm not trying, but I have long been uncomfortable in my own skin as a leader.  The church I grew up in does not believe in women in leadership.  We moved in my teens and our new church believed in woman in leadership, but had none actively serving.  They simply couldn't find willing women.  We settled into our current church, Riverwood, and after 5 years attendance, I was hired on as an assistant to the children's ministry director.  When she stepped down, it seemed obvious I would step up to take over her role.  But I couldn't.  I had already turned down literally dozens of roles in leadership and here I was faced with another.  I was ready to turn it down, too.  But instead I felt God asking me not to say no lightly: that it was time to dig in and stop asking everyone else what they thought of women in leadership, and start asking him.  So I pressed pause on my decision and took a few months to dig into theology books on women in leadership.  I read what the Bible had to say about women.  I read every story about every woman in the Bible.  I prayed a lot.  I asked a lot of questions.  

And you know where I came out?  Theologically convinced that God calls women into places of leadership in the business, political, home front and ministry worlds and has for ages.  If it's this hard for me to be a leader in 2015, just imagine what it would have felt like for Deborah.  Lydia.  Junia.  

And kind of ticked off that my issues with my own identity and the time I wasted in trying to suppress my gifts (instead of invest... ever heard of the parable of the talents?) because I COULD NOT BE WHAT I COULD NOT SEE.  The majority of the female role models I grew up with either believed it was a sin for them to lead, or believed it was fine for women in theory to lead, just not them personally, or were militant in their RIGHT to lead, and hated men for it.  

You can see why I just tried to suppress it.

So I'm thinking about this comment, how women shouldn't be on the platform because they scare the men away and I'm going crazy because of all the women - myself included - who are busy being SMALL lest we accidentally scare a man away and I'm SICK OF IT!  

So I became "that" feminist.

And truthfully, I don't want to be.  I want to honour men and lift up my brothers and celebrate those living out their God-given purpose (yes, even on stage in kid min!)  I don't want to hoot (even in fun) about women's superiority because I don't believe in it.  I believe we NEED men in children's ministry and we NEED women in preaching ministry and we've become less to segregate so fully.  I want to be that women role model I so desperately craved all these years: women living out their calling in fulness and authority and BEAUTIFUL (not defensive, evasive or stonewalling) because of it.  

So to those in that room last week... I'm sorry.  While I do want to stand tall as a woman in leadership, I don't want to do it at the expense of others.  And to my brother, who truly believes that men are scared away by women living out their calling: as much as I needed women living out their calling in Christ as my role models, so men today need role models showing them that power is not a finite resource to hold, but one that only continues to grow the more you give it away.  That seeing influential women does not diminish their influence, but highlights it.  That we are both image-bearers of God and having only half of that equation on display brings us back to Genesis where, for the only time in the creation account, God declared it "not good."  We need each other.  We are in this together.  Let us BOTH celebrate each other in this body of Christ!